I sooo don't want to go. I have finally got an outfit (or mostly) - size 14 skirt, size 18 shirt and size 16 jacket, what does that mean? The shirt is admittedly very fitted and the 16 did fit except for one button across the bust but I still feel very fed up about buying anything that's an 18. But after about 6 full days of shopping (not all consecutive) I was at screaming point and pretty desparate.
The Chav bride has had 3 of her 4 proposed hen events - my brother stood firm about no3 which was to have been a week away with some of her chav friends whilst he took on all the child care with the help of my mother.
Today I raised with my brother how wrong I felt it was that my mother wasn't invited to any of the hen dos - I think it is general practice. He disagreed and then we got into a whole email conversation which he claimed to do alot for my mother (I don't think he does). I pointed out that she does alot for him too. He thinks that anything involving his children is actually a huge treat for the person roped in - so all her babysitting was rather brushed aside. And he said the chav side of the family did alot more, then he said that he knew I wasn't the chav's greatest fan. I replied that I had never said anything against her (well, to him at any rate!) and it was clear that she didn't like me or my mother (we went over there this morning as my mum takes daughter 1 to nursery on a Thursday and chav didn't even say hello) but that it was his choice. I just got an email back saying he was going to leave it and "that was stupid". I feel very stirred up about it. And now I want to go to the wedding even less. And I especially don't want to do a reading - it's clear I was only asked as everything else is entirely dominated by her family and friends. My mum, bf, aunt, cousin and I have all been put on the same table with all the children to look after (none of them are ours) so it's clear that we're being used as a cheap childcare option.
The chav and her sisters and her mother are all going for a spray tan just before the wedding (the chav is ginger and these fake tans make her look top to toe orange). At least, as I told bf, he will be able to tell who is joining the family as they'll all be neon orange. Nice.
Thursday 23 October 2008
Monday 13 October 2008
Do it myyyyy wayyyy?
I'm still not well. I feel like I have a big lump stuck in the base of my throat and my throat is generally sore. I didn't run again this morning as I was feeling too rough and I am anxious about how hard it will be to get back to it properly. I had appalling mouth ulcers over the weekend - 4 although 3 of them eventually merged - which are at least getting better now. And my nails are crumbling which always makes me concerned about my bones. I am not a picture of health! Packs are not the panacea my last (foolish) LL claimed.
But I did do a (hilly) 7.5 mile walk on Sunday with my mother, her Labs and the bf and I did walk 2 miles in along the Thames path today. I actually saw someone running the path barefoot - I mean, wtf? On a sunny beach - all very nice, on a chilly day in urban London - dumb. Least he was running I suppose - unlike me! I bet I have nicer feet though!
I think I have enough packs to do my version of LL (3 packs, c100g protein and a piece of fruit) until the Great Chav Wedding(GCW). Which is just as well as I am scarily broke. I blame the GCW for this too. I still don't have an outfit - just 2 skirts - and am running out of time, impetus, money and interest. Another shopping session is planned for tomorrow to try and find top halves for either skirt after which I suspect I will have reached saturation point with the whole fiasco! Although I am still mildly keen on buying shoes. I think I developed a love of shoes when I was at my fattest - you can still have lovely accessories, whatever your size - but even then felt I couldn't wear anything too pretty/showy/high heeled. I still feel like a bit of a heifer - comments from Dr Bonkers notwithstanding (see previous entry) - but suddenly have an urge to learn to walk in heels without agonising pain or crippling myself by falling over. This could be a challenge.... For my other brother's wedding I put on a pair of 3.5" heels and promptly fell over. I hadn't even walked anywhere, just stood up!
And post GCW - what to do? I have something on most weekends in November which would mean hopping on and off LL and I'm not even thinking about December. So I'm tentatively thinking about re-trying the off-piste VLCD. That would be something for breakfast that I haven't really cracked yet (can only think of Slimfast bar), some soup for lunch (either homemade or 1/2 carton of Covent Garden or similar) and some protein with salad/veg in the evenings. And 1-2 pieces of fruit. I think that would still be under 800 calories or so and thus still a VLCD but perhaps I am deluding myself in my keeness to leave packs behind. But surely I'd still lose weight reasonably rapidly if I stuck to that? The sticking to it bit being the magic pill of course. I have a track record of going spectacularly off plan when I try and go it alone. But I have to crack this or I'll forever be yo-yo-ing on and off packs - not a fun way to live. And these pills that Dr Bonkers has prescribed are supposed to help with all that - I can't know whether to continue them (with all the hassle that that will inevitably entail with my GP) unless I actually try them properly.
I won't be at my thinnest for GCW and I won't be in the next stone bracket down (roughly the same thing actually) which makes me anxious and also feelings of hopelessness creep in - which leads to eating - which leads to putting on alot of weight in a scarily short space of time, based on past performance. I must not let this happen. GCW will be grim enough without feeling self-conscious and knowing that I messed up my chance to give it a good go. So, concentrate until then and see where that takes me I think.
But I did do a (hilly) 7.5 mile walk on Sunday with my mother, her Labs and the bf and I did walk 2 miles in along the Thames path today. I actually saw someone running the path barefoot - I mean, wtf? On a sunny beach - all very nice, on a chilly day in urban London - dumb. Least he was running I suppose - unlike me! I bet I have nicer feet though!
I think I have enough packs to do my version of LL (3 packs, c100g protein and a piece of fruit) until the Great Chav Wedding(GCW). Which is just as well as I am scarily broke. I blame the GCW for this too. I still don't have an outfit - just 2 skirts - and am running out of time, impetus, money and interest. Another shopping session is planned for tomorrow to try and find top halves for either skirt after which I suspect I will have reached saturation point with the whole fiasco! Although I am still mildly keen on buying shoes. I think I developed a love of shoes when I was at my fattest - you can still have lovely accessories, whatever your size - but even then felt I couldn't wear anything too pretty/showy/high heeled. I still feel like a bit of a heifer - comments from Dr Bonkers notwithstanding (see previous entry) - but suddenly have an urge to learn to walk in heels without agonising pain or crippling myself by falling over. This could be a challenge.... For my other brother's wedding I put on a pair of 3.5" heels and promptly fell over. I hadn't even walked anywhere, just stood up!
And post GCW - what to do? I have something on most weekends in November which would mean hopping on and off LL and I'm not even thinking about December. So I'm tentatively thinking about re-trying the off-piste VLCD. That would be something for breakfast that I haven't really cracked yet (can only think of Slimfast bar), some soup for lunch (either homemade or 1/2 carton of Covent Garden or similar) and some protein with salad/veg in the evenings. And 1-2 pieces of fruit. I think that would still be under 800 calories or so and thus still a VLCD but perhaps I am deluding myself in my keeness to leave packs behind. But surely I'd still lose weight reasonably rapidly if I stuck to that? The sticking to it bit being the magic pill of course. I have a track record of going spectacularly off plan when I try and go it alone. But I have to crack this or I'll forever be yo-yo-ing on and off packs - not a fun way to live. And these pills that Dr Bonkers has prescribed are supposed to help with all that - I can't know whether to continue them (with all the hassle that that will inevitably entail with my GP) unless I actually try them properly.
I won't be at my thinnest for GCW and I won't be in the next stone bracket down (roughly the same thing actually) which makes me anxious and also feelings of hopelessness creep in - which leads to eating - which leads to putting on alot of weight in a scarily short space of time, based on past performance. I must not let this happen. GCW will be grim enough without feeling self-conscious and knowing that I messed up my chance to give it a good go. So, concentrate until then and see where that takes me I think.
Friday 10 October 2008
Bedside manners
I've not been well for about a week to 10 days. I seem to be run down and I do blame the packs. I have these vile boil/spots on my neck (never been seen before in the history of Peridot), an extremely painful mouth ulcer and I'm coming down with a cold combined with an added bonus of nausea. Last week I had a bout of sickness and dizziness too. Very odd. And I feel rather sorry for myself to boot.
So last week I think I only ran maybe twice and the same this week - I just couldn't go this morning I felt too rough. I have done a fair amount of walking too though. And I've been mixed on my packs (which might make it a bit unfair to blame them) - some days I've had my 3 as planned (plus small portion of protein and piece of fruit) and some days I've actually only had one because I've picked off the dreaded smack table. My weight is creeping slowly down though - I've lost 10-11lbs in the last 3 weeks I reckon. It still means I won't be at my slimmest by the great chav Halloween wedding but I have to aim to get as close as I can.
And I finally got to see my specialist on Wednesday. He's always good value - he's so eccentric he makes me laugh and of course he has this wealth of knowledge that is great to tap into. I talked to him about how if I crack on the diet I go beserk on sugar to the point of physical discomfort. He agrees with me that it's a physical thing rather than a psychological reaction. We talked about the fact that trials on what's known as a "semi starvation diet" demonstrated this very response and he said that the after-effects would last some time after I'd stopped dieting - the impulse to binge seems to be the body's backlash against being starved. He's put me on reductil to see if that quells the urge to binge and said if I see any difference to stick with it and if I don't, to get my GP to up the dose. What he really wants though is for me to stop dieting and concentrate on maintaining the weight I am now for a few months to get past the binge urge and then look at losing some more weight if I want to. But I explained that I'm not happy where I was - when I was a stone lighter even, I was starting to feel 'normal' and now I don't (not helped by huge protruberances from my neck!). He's so funny. He made me stand up so he could look at me and said that I look absolutely 'normal' to him; he doubted I'd be asked to do any catwalk work but that I could easily do a Dove advert and if I were on Trinny and Susannah or Gok they'd think I was mad! He just made me laugh and laugh - this clearly eccentric man in his 60s tossing around modern, female references. He's also concerned that I hate running so much and is pushing me to try tango!
Anyway, it's almost 6.30pm and the office is deserted. My sofa and a chick flick are calling me as bf is out and I feel so lousy. It's very difficult not to 'treat' myself with a lovely dinner - or any type of food indulgence - since these are two trigger factors for me (illness and dinner on my own) and I think not giving in will make me feel sadder but there we go. Sadder but thinner - that's the key!
So last week I think I only ran maybe twice and the same this week - I just couldn't go this morning I felt too rough. I have done a fair amount of walking too though. And I've been mixed on my packs (which might make it a bit unfair to blame them) - some days I've had my 3 as planned (plus small portion of protein and piece of fruit) and some days I've actually only had one because I've picked off the dreaded smack table. My weight is creeping slowly down though - I've lost 10-11lbs in the last 3 weeks I reckon. It still means I won't be at my slimmest by the great chav Halloween wedding but I have to aim to get as close as I can.
And I finally got to see my specialist on Wednesday. He's always good value - he's so eccentric he makes me laugh and of course he has this wealth of knowledge that is great to tap into. I talked to him about how if I crack on the diet I go beserk on sugar to the point of physical discomfort. He agrees with me that it's a physical thing rather than a psychological reaction. We talked about the fact that trials on what's known as a "semi starvation diet" demonstrated this very response and he said that the after-effects would last some time after I'd stopped dieting - the impulse to binge seems to be the body's backlash against being starved. He's put me on reductil to see if that quells the urge to binge and said if I see any difference to stick with it and if I don't, to get my GP to up the dose. What he really wants though is for me to stop dieting and concentrate on maintaining the weight I am now for a few months to get past the binge urge and then look at losing some more weight if I want to. But I explained that I'm not happy where I was - when I was a stone lighter even, I was starting to feel 'normal' and now I don't (not helped by huge protruberances from my neck!). He's so funny. He made me stand up so he could look at me and said that I look absolutely 'normal' to him; he doubted I'd be asked to do any catwalk work but that I could easily do a Dove advert and if I were on Trinny and Susannah or Gok they'd think I was mad! He just made me laugh and laugh - this clearly eccentric man in his 60s tossing around modern, female references. He's also concerned that I hate running so much and is pushing me to try tango!
Anyway, it's almost 6.30pm and the office is deserted. My sofa and a chick flick are calling me as bf is out and I feel so lousy. It's very difficult not to 'treat' myself with a lovely dinner - or any type of food indulgence - since these are two trigger factors for me (illness and dinner on my own) and I think not giving in will make me feel sadder but there we go. Sadder but thinner - that's the key!
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